I should really write a book titled that. It could be very, very entertaining. On one of the forums I frequent, there have been lots of 'confession' posts-- basically, stuff that you normally wouldn't do/mention while pregnant that you confess. I'm not entirely behind this notion, mostly because to confess something would imply that I felt guilty about doing it. And I really don't feel guilty for the things I choose/have chosen to do. So... I'm just going to make a list of STUFF. Again. Because I really enjoy making lists.
- I'm tired of people asking me if I'm SURE my due date is Sept. 14. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. With all the ultrasounds and measurements this kid has had, I'm certain the doctors are sure, too.
- Oh gosh, I'm drinking a Pepsi. Call the police. The SWAT team. Inform the mayor! Do you know how much caffeine I would need to consume on a daily basis to cause damage to Eli? Somewhere around three pots of strong, black coffee. A Pepsi or two isn't the end of the world. Gtfo.
- I'm going to eat sushi. If you'd really like to know, it's all cooked seafood.
- If you're going to assume that I'm 16, slutty and pouring my life down the drain then I'm going to assume that you're an old biddy with too many cats who spends the day watching the Hallmark channel and eating five-year-old bonbons.
- Who the heck asks someone if their pregnancy was planned? Unless you're a close friend of mine, you really don't need to know. If you insist, I suppose I could give you five more reasons to cease and desist-- they'll just be curled into a fist.
- When has social convention in America ever hinted that it was okay to ask a person about their weight, comment on their size or anything of that sort? Why on earth is it suddenly okay to be telling me how small I look? Or how big?
- I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think "Yep. I look fat. I'm swollen, covered in stretch marks and acne, have developed a pelt on my stomach and I feel like I've been running marathons instead of sleeping.". When you tell me that I'm 'glowing' or that I look amazing, and I look at you like you're insane, just remind me that even though I can't see that I'm changing in a good way, that I truly am. Tell me that I'm just the right size and that I'm doing things right.
- On that note, don't be surprised if I still don't believe you.
- I haven't been able to see to 'groom' for at least two weeks now. Summer is coming, and bathing suits might happen... This scares me.
- My husband and I will name our child whatever the heck we want to. If we don't want to use a family name, then we're not going to. You didn't offer any assistance when I asked you to help me name my pets, stop trying to help name my child.
- Yes, I had hopes for a specific sex for the baby. Does it break my heart that he's a boy? Nope. Why? Because he's still my kid, and in the end (this always makes the doctors laugh) I honestly just want a tiny, screaming human with all the parts in the right places.
- I'm terrified I won't have that instant bond with my son when he comes out.
- My pets are going nowhere. When you had your second child, and your first threw a fit about it for months on end, did you ever consider sending him away? Suggesting I do that with my animals is like suggesting that to you.
- Yes, I have to pee again, honey. Please stop pointing it out.
Yes, I waddle when I walk, honey. Please stop pointing it out.
Yes, I eat strange things, honey. Please stop pointing it out.
- Just because I'm feeling sexy, doesn't mean I want sex.
- Just because I'm not feeling sexy, doesn't mean I don't want sex.
- I enjoy having my stomach touched! I do not like having my stomach molested. On that note, sweet older lady at Target, I'm really sorry for grabbing your wrist like that when you tried to pat the belly. You're a stranger, and you didn't ask. I don't like it when my friends don't ask, it wasn't okay for you. But I'm still sorry for scaring you.
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