As many of you know, I have long since been trying to figure out what "box" I belong in when it comes to gender. For a very, very long time I staunchly identified as male. I didn't want anything to do with being female. I didn't want to look it, I loathed the idea that anyone would associate me with anything even vaguely feminine and I went to great lengths to hide that I have female genetics. I found others like me-- people who identified as female-to-male, and found that their community only encouraged my machismo. It wasn't a bad thing-- I needed those years of learning to come to where I am today. But one thing that I had never expected to realize about the ftm community is this:
The majority of people who identify within it are rigid about what defines male and female. Understandably, the men who identify as such try to find and embody the things that make society look at them and think "male". There's nothing at all wrong with this-- but it wasn't something that was good for me. Years late, I've realized that in trying to fit into that community, I embedded the idea into my head that if I was "girly" at all, I was doing something terribly, horribly wrong. That I was telling some kind of lie, if I wanted to wear makeup or a skirt. That these feelings weren't something that I, identifying as a man, was supposed to feel or want.
It took meeting my husband, I think, to get my mind to accept that it's perfectly alright to not feel completely male--- or completely female. Some people fall into a grey area, where neither of those words work for them. Neither of those words fits me. Trying to use just one to describe myself is like wearing clothes three sizes too small, your shoes on the wrong feet and someone else's glasses. With encouragement from those who love me, I'm come to accept myself for who I am-- someone without a definition. I no longer cringe and feel sick when someone refers to me as 'she' or kick myself for days when I want to wear something designated as women's clothing. I've come to a sort of agreement with myself that clothing is non-gendered. Makeup might mean that I look feminine, but more importantly, it makes me feel like I look good-- and that's something shared across the gender spectrum. Wanting to feel confidant and wanting to feel like oneself looks good.
It's been a struggle, and it still is some days, to accept that I'm just me. I'm a mother and a (as Robby says) a 'wubband', I'm a partner and a lover. I'm a good friend and a pretty decent human being (even if I haven't always been what people would consider a shining example of decency). I'm myself, and for once, that's becoming more and more okay. I've given myself permission, finally, to do the things that feel comfortable-- and if that's wear a skirt and makeup and relish the fact that I'm going to have a little one calling me 'mama', then that's what right for me. Being content with not having a "definition" for themselves isn't something that I think many would be able to do, but with the love that my family and friends give me, knowing that they all love me for who I am and not the words I use to describe myself makes it a whole lot smoother.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Prompts
This entry may (or may not) be entirely baby related. I'm not exactly sure at the moment. I have this list of journal prompts you see-- there are 729 of them. I'm using a random number generator tonight, and picking some of them, writing as much or a little about them as I can/feel the need and then moving on to the next. I have no idea what prompts I'll get-- but this might give you some insight into me.
#167. What are a few qualities you dislike in other people, and why?
Rudeness. I can't stand it when people are rude to others or don't use basic manners. Saying 'please' and 'thank you', 'ma'am' and 'sir' were just par for the course when I was growing up. It was simply something that you said. You thank your host, you say 'excuse me' when you pass someone. You smile and nod to the person you pass on the sidewalk.
Arrogance and entitlement. I know that I'm proud of the things I've accomplished. I detest arrogance and entitlement as traits in myself, and strive to avoid them-- you know what they say. The traits that you dislike in others are really things that you dislike in yourself. Knowing this, I can do my best to avoid them. But in others, I have no control over how they act or present themselves. The people who think that they deserve something, simply because another has it, or because it was given to their siblings make me cringe. Especially when the thing they think they deserve is for another to spend money on them; I have people (wonderful, amazing people) who make it possible for Robby and I to exist financially. I remind myself, whenever they help us, that I need to remember to be grateful for what they've given me-- I didn't earn the money that they spent on me and they chose (out of sheer love) to use that money to help me. Time is interchangeable with the word 'money', too, in that sentence. When people come out of their way, or make a special trip just to see me, it means the world to me. It means that they feel I'm deserving of their attention and affection. Of their time that they could've spent doing something else.
#345. How did your parents meet?
I have no idea. All I know to be truth about them is that they were married above a voodoo shop, worked as a bounty hunter/assistant pair and did a number of unsavory things while they were together.
#45. Where would you travel, if you could go anywhere?
If I could go anywhere, I would go everywhere. But if I had to pick a specific place to go (and it was guarenteed that Robby would enjoy it, too), I would honestly go to Japan and spend a few months there just seeing everything/every place that I've always wanted to see. I'll go to Harujuku. We'll stay in an old-fashioned inn with a hot spring. We'll GO to an onsen and a bath house. We can explore Tokyo and be afraid to go to the top of the Tokyo Tower. We can find all the places that we've wanted to see, go to the festivals and conventions that we've wanted to go to and just... have an adventure.
#173. What is your favorite lie to tell?
"I'm okay, no worries."
#242. If you could be any color, what would you be and why?
I would be iridescent. It's not just one color, but many of them, shimmering and changing. I could be anything from red to purple to orange to pink to white to... to any color you could imagine. Why? Because being just one thing has never been something that fit me. I need the freedom to change when I want to and to shift with the world as I feel the urge. There's no way to explain exactly why I'd be iridescent. But I would be, because it feels right.
And if not iridescent, then the colors that my synesthesia gives me during certain songs. I'm not sure which I'd pick and there REALLY isn't a way to describe them... but it would be fantastic.
And that's the end of this for tonight. I don't want to just start free-writing, but my brain isn't keeping up with long-track thoughts. Maybe it's time to sleep.
- Loki
#167. What are a few qualities you dislike in other people, and why?
Rudeness. I can't stand it when people are rude to others or don't use basic manners. Saying 'please' and 'thank you', 'ma'am' and 'sir' were just par for the course when I was growing up. It was simply something that you said. You thank your host, you say 'excuse me' when you pass someone. You smile and nod to the person you pass on the sidewalk.
Arrogance and entitlement. I know that I'm proud of the things I've accomplished. I detest arrogance and entitlement as traits in myself, and strive to avoid them-- you know what they say. The traits that you dislike in others are really things that you dislike in yourself. Knowing this, I can do my best to avoid them. But in others, I have no control over how they act or present themselves. The people who think that they deserve something, simply because another has it, or because it was given to their siblings make me cringe. Especially when the thing they think they deserve is for another to spend money on them; I have people (wonderful, amazing people) who make it possible for Robby and I to exist financially. I remind myself, whenever they help us, that I need to remember to be grateful for what they've given me-- I didn't earn the money that they spent on me and they chose (out of sheer love) to use that money to help me. Time is interchangeable with the word 'money', too, in that sentence. When people come out of their way, or make a special trip just to see me, it means the world to me. It means that they feel I'm deserving of their attention and affection. Of their time that they could've spent doing something else.
#345. How did your parents meet?
I have no idea. All I know to be truth about them is that they were married above a voodoo shop, worked as a bounty hunter/assistant pair and did a number of unsavory things while they were together.
#45. Where would you travel, if you could go anywhere?
If I could go anywhere, I would go everywhere. But if I had to pick a specific place to go (and it was guarenteed that Robby would enjoy it, too), I would honestly go to Japan and spend a few months there just seeing everything/every place that I've always wanted to see. I'll go to Harujuku. We'll stay in an old-fashioned inn with a hot spring. We'll GO to an onsen and a bath house. We can explore Tokyo and be afraid to go to the top of the Tokyo Tower. We can find all the places that we've wanted to see, go to the festivals and conventions that we've wanted to go to and just... have an adventure.
#173. What is your favorite lie to tell?
"I'm okay, no worries."
#242. If you could be any color, what would you be and why?
I would be iridescent. It's not just one color, but many of them, shimmering and changing. I could be anything from red to purple to orange to pink to white to... to any color you could imagine. Why? Because being just one thing has never been something that fit me. I need the freedom to change when I want to and to shift with the world as I feel the urge. There's no way to explain exactly why I'd be iridescent. But I would be, because it feels right.
And if not iridescent, then the colors that my synesthesia gives me during certain songs. I'm not sure which I'd pick and there REALLY isn't a way to describe them... but it would be fantastic.
And that's the end of this for tonight. I don't want to just start free-writing, but my brain isn't keeping up with long-track thoughts. Maybe it's time to sleep.
- Loki
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