Conforming to gender non-conformity

As many of you know, I have long since been trying to figure out what "box" I belong in when it comes to gender. For a very, very long time I staunchly identified as male. I didn't want anything to do with being female. I didn't want to look it, I loathed the idea that anyone would associate me with anything even vaguely feminine and I went to great lengths to hide that I have female genetics. I found others like me-- people who identified as female-to-male, and found that their community only encouraged my machismo. It wasn't a bad thing-- I needed those years of learning to come to where I am today. But one thing that I had never expected to realize about the ftm community is this:

The majority of people who identify within it are rigid about what defines male and female. Understandably, the men who identify as such try to find and embody the things that make society look at them and think "male". There's nothing at all wrong with this-- but it wasn't something that was good for me. Years late, I've realized that  in trying to fit into that community, I embedded the idea into my head that if I was "girly" at all, I was doing something terribly, horribly wrong. That I was telling some kind of lie, if I wanted to wear makeup or a skirt. That these feelings weren't something that I, identifying as a man, was supposed to feel or want.

It took meeting my husband, I think, to get my mind to accept that it's perfectly alright to not feel completely male--- or completely female. Some people fall into a grey area, where neither of those words work for them. Neither of those words fits me. Trying to use just one to describe myself is like wearing clothes three sizes too small, your shoes on the wrong feet and someone else's glasses. With encouragement from those who love me, I'm come to accept myself for who I am-- someone without a definition. I no longer cringe and feel sick when someone refers to me as 'she' or kick myself for days when I want to wear something designated as women's clothing. I've come to a sort of agreement with myself that clothing is non-gendered. Makeup might mean that I look feminine, but more importantly, it makes me feel like I look good-- and that's something shared across the gender spectrum. Wanting to feel confidant and wanting to feel like oneself looks good.

It's been a struggle, and it still is some days, to accept that I'm just me. I'm a mother and a (as Robby says) a 'wubband', I'm a partner and a lover. I'm a good friend and a pretty decent human being (even if I haven't always been what people would consider a shining example of decency). I'm myself, and for once, that's becoming more and more okay. I've given myself permission, finally, to do the things that feel comfortable-- and if that's wear a skirt and makeup and relish the fact that I'm going to have a little one calling me 'mama', then that's what right for me. Being content with not having a "definition" for themselves isn't something that I think many would be able to do, but with the love that my family and friends give me, knowing that they all love me for who I am and not the words I use to describe myself makes it a whole lot smoother.