Things that scare me

I've realized that there are several things that scare me about parenthood-- both silly and serious. I thought I'd list them here to share! Feel free to chime in with your own.

1. The way you insist on sleeping in your swing. Normal babies just stay upright. You insist on flopping yourself to the side and curling up in a tiny ball. We gave up trying to straighten you up after two days at home, but I still worry you're going to end up smothering and/or breaking yourself.

2. When a big truck drives by, because it shakes the apartment and makes me think that an earthquake is going to flatten you with something.

3. When I'm changing you and you shoot poop.

4. That you've refused to poop for the last day and a half. Really, honey, I'll take the shooting poop of terror over none at all.

5. When you take a quick pause in your breathing, then start breathing really fast. I know it's normal, but it worries me.

6. The noises you make when you're eating. It sounds like you're some kind of tiny monster.

7. When you bite me when I'm trying to get my nipple back from your alligator-jaws. I end up scared that I'm not going to be getting it back.

8. Putting you into your bassinet without the 'bumpers' that we learned how to make at the hospital. I've seen you. You've been trying like hell to roll over- to the point that you exhaust yourself. I just imagine you rolling in the night and smacking your head on the wood or ending up face-down and smothering. I really worry about your breathing a LOT.

9. That I'm not doing something right, despite all signs pointing that I am.

10. That somehow, I'm going to end up not being there when you need me. Really. This one worries me so much that sometimes, I don't want to leave the room, just so I can be sure that you're still okay. I'm certain that this will fade as I get used to your sounds and spaces of silence and the weird things your little body does.

11. Speaking of things your body does, that tiny erection you got startled the hell out of me. I didn't know babies could get those. You've proven me wrong more than a few times now.

12. That you keep sneezing. I know it's because your nose is tiny and that that's how you clear it- or because there's some new, strange scent in the air, but it still worries me. Clearly, it's the black plague. Clearly.

13. How fiercely I love you scares the crap out of me. It's such a big, big feeling. I'm not used to feelings this big.

14. That I'll drop you. I'm terrified of dropping you. I was told that I'll never drop something I want to hold, but I'm clumsy and you're a squirmer.

15. How you scream bloody murder when we change you sometimes. Half the time, you lay there happily and watch me. The other half, you scream like I'm trying to kill you.

16. That the milk I'm heating up for you will be a bajillion degrees and burn your face off. This won't happen, I know, because your Daddy and I are religious about checking the temperature... but it scares me. The heat, it might be lurking.

17. Your soft spots. I'm afraid to touch them. I don't want to hurt your brain. ;; _ ;;

18. That my bits will never go back to how they were before. Things still feel horribly wrong down there. I'm looking forward to everything feeling normal again.

19. Sometimes, I get scared that the crying will never stop. It usually does once I get you to latch or change your diaper, but when you had that nightmare and woke up screaming in terror, I was petrified that I'd never be able to make you feel better.

20. That I'll do something horribly wrong and mess up beyond repair. I know the best I can do is try, and that's what I'm going to do.

Love you, Treefrog. <3

- Mommy