When I first became pregnant, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. It was an interesting and very rough pregnancy... but what was even more of an unknown was labor itself. It was the first time I'd carried to term, and despite how much I read about it, or talked with women who had 'been there, done that', it was full of little things that I wish someone had told me about. Especially the ones that hit sudden and hard or were somewhat embarrassing.
1) There's a very, very good chance that you're going to throw up uncontrollably at some point. There's a nerve that runs along the interior of the spine, called the Vagus nerve. When the baby drops farther down into the pelvis (usually transition) his head presses against that nerve. And that nerve, being a jerk, thinks that it's getting the message to make you throw up. For me, it hit hard and fast. Rinsing my mouth out with cool water helped and so did shifting so that there was counter-pressure to take the weight off of the nerve. It was also really, really startling when it happened; I had an epidural, so I wasn't feeling much pain or sensation. It was literally out of nowhere that I suddenly needed to throw up. Very suddenly. Keeping a bag/bucket nearby, or having your coach have one in easy reach might make you feel better about the potential surprise barfing.
2) If you have an epidural, they'll do a catheter. They do it after the epidural has taken effect, so it's not painful (or at least it wasn't for me). It isn't much of a surprise that you'll have to have a cath' with an epidural, but it WILL come as a surprise how hard it might be to move your legs for the nurse to do what she's gotta. I couldn't even move my left leg at all, it was REALLY weird. You can't feel your legs- so poking at them will sort of feel like you're poking squishy dough. It was slightly unnerving for me, so I left them be. Also, the nurse will just get all up in there. Mine gestured with a lubed-up tube while explaining what was about to transpire. This leads me to a bit of advice: if you're allergic to latex, make sure that you or your coach are very, very vocal about it. It was written all over my charts and on the info board for the nurses, but the nurse still almost used a latex cath' on me.
3) If you tear and need stitches, they'll give you a local anesthetic. In plain, blunt english, that means "a shot in the hooha". Usually, you won't feel it at all-- they do it while the epidural is still wearing off (epidurals are generally turned down and then off during the pushing stage). However, that doesn't mean that the local they give you won't wear off mid-stitching. This happened for me. I felt a sudden pinching, then immediately said something. They gave me more anesthetic (which didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, because hey, everything down there was like "LOL. A needle? A tiny pinprick? COME AT ME, BRO.") and things were groovy.
4) So, this is one of the embarrassing ones. Especially if you have an epidural, you're going to be a fart-machine. I swear, at one point, I thought that an oompa band had taken up residence in my butt. The nurses are happy to hear you flarp. It means that your guts are still working, that the baby isn't pinching anything closed that needs to be open and that...well... that you're doing good. I'm not entirely sure what all their reasons are for happiness over gassiness.
5) One thing that startled me was that when Froggy was put on my chest, he had a distinct smell. It wasn't a bad smell, and it wasn't a good smell. To me, it smelled very musty- sort of like the loam on a forest floor. It was very organic. I really don't have a perfect way to describe how he smelled, but the scent clung for a few days- I'd take up in the middle of the night while we were still in the hospital, furiously sniffing and trying to figure out what the new, weird smell was. The oddest part was that no-one else seemed to smell it once he'd had his bath. I figure that it has to do with the bonding process- your baby will have a smell that's unique to him. But again, it was a weird smell.
6) When you've had your baby, and after the placenta is delivered (because you've gotta deliver that, too. It didn't hurt at all for me, but felt really weird), the doctor is going to be very preoccupied with your vagina. Seriously. And if you need any stitches, they're going to be obsessed with sponges. Slightly unnerving story here: when they were counting the sponges after stitching and cleaning everything up, and making sure that an internal tear I'd gotten had stopped bleeding, they couldn't find one. Without much warning, the doctor reached her entire hand up inside my uterus to make sure that it hadn't escaped in there. So, she's roughly forearm deep in my business when we hear from one of the assisting nurses "Oh, here it is. It was in the bowl.". Honestly...? You'd think that it would have been uncomfortable to have felt a hand and part of an arm in there, but I didn't even really know it had happened until the doctor commented "I'm sorry about that... You didn't really *need* my whole hand up there. But at least we're sure there's no clotting!"
And on the upside, I never had that horribly heavy, horror-movie-esque bleeding postpartum. In fact, I was completely done, spotting included, at about two weeks postpartum.
7) Your first nurse (I say first, because there might be a shift change while you're in labor) might be a complete douche. Your second nurse might be a complete douche. I wasn't coherent enough at the time (aside from snarling a few mean things) when my first nurse was being horrible to remember that I could request a different nurse. My second nurse was made of sunshine and stardust and was some kind of saint.
8) I had an entire soundtrack set up to listen to while in labor. Music usually helps me be calm and focus-- but I couldn't STAND the sound. I could at some moments, but others, I needed it to be quiet and fast. Other moments, I needed it to be dark. Or cold. Or hot. Or bright. Or... some strange combination of impossible things. The things you might think you want or need, you might end up absolutely hating while you're in labor.
9) This isn't something I didn't know- I was well aware of what I might say or do during labor. You've probably got a pretty good idea that there might be some swearing, some very heart-felt 'i love you's' and... crazy laughter? I burst out laughing a few times. I also randomly started crying. The way that Saint Nurse explained it to me (since again, I had an epidural) was that my body was running a marathon. My hormones were going insane. And so my brain was running through every coping mechanism in the book.
10) There are two things that no one, from what I've understood, is ever ready for. One is how much labor hurts. My epi wore off about as soon as I hit transition. Froggy got his shoulder caught on one side of my pelvis. It hurt worse than anything I can describe to you.
The second thing that you won't be prepared for, or maybe even expect, is the strange feeling you'll have the second they put your baby on your chest. To be deeply personal here, it was suddenly like every bad thing I'd gone through trying to have a child was suddenly worth it. Bub and I lost our first pregnancy- so holding this little, gooey, stinky boy was a miracle beyond description and beyond comprehension. The room can be full of people, your partner or your mom or whomever can be right there at your side, having their own little bubble of bliss-- but all that you'll see for those first few, precious seconds is every dream that you've ever had, come true.
- Loki
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