I just got home from an absolutely amazing two-ish days out in Castaic with family. It was great to see all of them-- I met a few people that I hadn't gotten to know before, so hopefully I've made some new friends (I'd like to think I have). I was beyond thrilled that people liked my Yule gifts, ate WAY too many cookies and bonded with my siblings, niece and nephew.
And then, I came home.
For some reason, coming home to my apartment sucked the happy right out of me. I don't know how I feel right now, except for annoyed. Annoyed that the place is cluttered, annoyed that I can't clean it... all those things and then some. Thank you, Leira and Mykal for putting up with the amount of sheer rage that I radiated when I walked in my door.
But the fact that I was still annoyed after cleaning and taking care of what was going on made me think. I realized that what's bothering me more than mess or chores not getting taken care of is that I desperately miss my family. The way that things are heading, it might be my grandfather's last Christmas-- and I'm probably not going to see him until sometime in February. I'm (about) two hours away from my family in Castaic... much like every time the holidays roll around, the separation and distance between me and the people I love feels like a million miles and hurts like hell. I've told Bub that I'm jealous-- his family lives, at most, 45 minutes away. We're going to get to see different parts of his side of the family three times during the holiday.
I sound bitter, I know. And I might even sound like a bit of a bitch. But family is one of the most important things to me, and I miss mine. I don't know when I'll get to see Mykal and Leira or the kids next. It might be a week-- it might be a month. I don't know when I'll finally get to do that art jam with Avie like I want to.
I'm frustrated. I'm used to my body hurting, and it's something that I can manage. But this deep ache in my heart? That's a bit much right now. I know I have a gorgeous little boy and a great husband to be celebrating the holidays with but at the same time, I keep thinking that Froggy's Nana won't get to spoil him for Christmas like she was so excited to do. I'm worried about the potential power struggle with J. I think that I was expecting this Christmas to feel a certain way, and with the exception of Yule and the joy it brought me, I haven't felt that Christmas sparkle that I usually do. We don't even have a tree this year.
This is the first year that I've never had a tree. That, for some reason, makes me feel even more broken. My house doesn't smell like fir. There isn't something for the cats to stare at in wonder, or for us to put presents under. We don't have a single ornament up, and the one decoration that I put out keeps falling down and nobody but me cares enough to pick it up off the floor. I feel like my Christmas spirit has been shanked and left to die in the gutter somewhere.
And to top it off, for some strange reason, I feel guilty for feeling like this after having such a great weekend. My psyche is a confusing thing and I'd like it to please, please shut up now.
- Loki
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