The SAHM

Unless you're someone who frequents baby-related forums like I do, chances are you're wondering what 'SAHM' stands for. Unless there's some other thing it's an acronym of, it stands for "Stay At Home Mom". And let me tell you, us sahm's are a fierce bunch-- especially when someone insinuates that we just sit around at home all day. This is coming up because I recently had an (albeit currently without kids) friend ask me why I couldn't hang out more often, or have them over to visit me. When I answered that it was because I usually had a really busy day and my hands were full with Froggy, they gave me a disbelieving look and said "But you just sit around all day. I've seen your house."

So this is a letter to this anonymous friend (who is staying anonmyous unless they decide to 'out' themselves) explaining why, exactly, I don't have time anymore.

Dear Confused Friend,

I know that you go to work. At the end of the day, you come home to your spouse and sometimes get to sit and relax, and sometimes make dinner. A few days later, you get a day off, on which you can lounge around or play video games or do whatever your budgets lets you, really.

Let me start by saying that stay at home moms never get a day off. Ever.

Let that sink in for a minute. Our spouses and partners have days off-- days that they justifiably want to relax. But on those days where they're enjoying relaxing (I'm lucky that on his days off, Bub pitches in hardcore), we're still doing all the things that we've been doing the rest of the week. In fact, make that 'every day, for the last FEW weeks'. We don't get lunch breaks, 15-minute paid time off or often even the chance to take a shower long enough to both shampoo and condition our hair. I can't remember the last time I was able to take a shower that long without having back-up to quiet Froggy when he starts screaming because Mommy is out of his line of sight. Sometimes, I take him in the shower with me-- but then that's filled with trying to wrangle and wash a soapy baby. Or, if he's in his seat just outside the shower doors, it's full of sticking my head out of the open (and drafty) shower door to go 'boogabooga, mommy's still here'. Usually, I find him staring intently into the litter box for some reason and not caring much that I've disappeared. But that's beside the point.

I would love to get the chance to take a long, relaxing bath without *someone* needing *something*direly. But it'll be a while till that happens, I think. It's okay though-- I made the conscious choice to procreate and I'm aware that there are some pretty frustrating and crappy things that go along with having a kid. But again- I digress. My choice to start a family really doesn't have anything to do with your confusion over my 'sitting around'. You're wondering why I can't hang out with you- or even why I might choose to hang out with someone else or go run an errand during my 'free time'.

I have to say it now-- you're pretty selfish, Friend. I adore you, but you've still got your head pretty far up your ass about this specific point. The first thing I do when I wake up to start my day is feed my kid, then (if I have time) grab a snack for myself. Then it's diaper changing, getting dressed (for him, not me. At this point, I'm still wandering around in what I went to sleep in), play time and then an hour or so of fussing for no reason. At this point, it's been about two hours since I got out of bed. What do you do in your first two hours? No, really. I want to know-- I would hate to make an assumption that you sit around and do nothing.

The rest of my day, base, is devoted to making sure that my husband gets to work, the house gets clean, lunch and dinner get made, eaten and put away and that my son is well taken care of. I can't remember the last time that I was able to sit down and draw without being interrupted after a few minutes by a crying, fussing baby or a husband needing me to get/make/assist/advise with something. You mentioned once that Bub could 'do more to help me after he gets off work'. Yes, he could. but when he works from 3p-midnight, like he is the night I'm writing this, I'm pretty much on my own. When he gets home, he wants to sleep. He's a champ and gets up in the morning to help with Froggy, but do YOU really want to come home to have a screaming baby handed to you after that long of a shift? Then there are the times that your spouse will come home from work and you NEED them to take care of the baby-- so they do, but are so tired and frustrated that the baby gets frustrated and just screams. Then, not only do you have a screaming baby, but you also have a spouse who ends up coming to you after an hour (to which you chuckle at the length of time it took) ready to pull out their hair and saying that they need to tap out, because they're strongly considering padding a wicker basket and finding the nearest river.

You also mentioned as your proof that I don't do anything at home that you KNOW I don't, because of the way my house looks. I would like to point you, slightly scathingly, at this: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

I was most shocked that you called my house into play. You've known me long enough to know about what's not quite right about my health. You've seen, firsthand, days that I've been in too much pain to get out of bed. Or the days that I can't even keep down water-- not because I have the flu, but simply because that's the part of my body that's rebelling today. I do my best to not bring up that I'm sick as a reason for my not being able to do things; the people who are closest to me know that I'd much rather run myself into the ground than ask for help from someone with a busy schedule. It's something I've been working on (asking for assistance when I need it), but seriously? You've known me HOW long and you're pulling my being sick into this?

I'm sorry. I'm more than a little upset with you right now, Friend.

But to get back to the basic point of this: never, ever have the gall to insinuate that my day is spent sitting around doing nothing. If you were to ever flounder like this, don't you think that the first thing I'd do is bring over dinner, pick up the baby and tell you to go do something for YOU? Haven't I don't that for you before, when life was kicking you while you were down? I dare you to ask some other sahm mom that you know (because sorry, I'm both mad and laughing my ass off at you right now) if you can babysit their kids for a whole day, pick up their house and have dinner on the table by the time they're home from work, just so you can see exactly how difficult it is. And before you arrive at whatever early-ass time that that mom asks you to come over I want you to run long enough that your muscles ache, you're mildly nauseous, your body temperature fluctuates, you're bone-weary and in pain. Then, you might get an idea of my general day.

I'm going to wrap this up by saying that as hard as it is, I have an AMAZING support system. Friends like you are few and far between, I'm finding, and I'm happy for that. Most of my friends and family want to help and are HAPPY to do so. I couldn't be more grateful for the things that they've done to help or done just to give me and Bub a break for a while. It all means way more than they'll even know. That help picking up the house, those few hours of babysitting, those are the things that keep me sane and keep me going. I hope that someday when you have kids that you'll feel confidant enough to call me and ask for help. And by the way? I won't say no. I'll say "What time should I come over?".

Please, Friend. Think before you speak next time.

Not as cheerfully as usual,

Loki